Remembering Mothers

Today is Mother's Day and it is a day that I do find challenging. This week, someone asked me to share with him some thoughts and feelings on why this day is hard. I really felt the words that I wrote were a good tribute to my Mom and I felt I needed to share them.

For me, Mother's Day is reminder of what I no longer have. There is a hole in my life that can never be refilled and no one can take her place. For me, "Mom" is title that is forever taken, even though she is no longer with us.

It is a time of reflection; regret for time I didn't spend or wishing I was closer. Mom & I weren't as close a some of my friend's are with their mothers. She made us girls her entire world and sometimes, that was really hard. She had high expectations on how often to call or visit and sometimes that was hard to meet.

I see so much of her in myself. My tender heart and the ability to cry at the littlest of sentiment. My tendency to worry or fear that people don't like me are all reflections of my mother. Being afraid that if people were angry with me, they'd leave. These were all qualities I inherited from my mother. I also inherited my love of art and my love of music from her. It is because of her I can not only listen to Colin James or Suzie McNeil but get lost in the music of someone like Josh Groban or Johnny Mathis.

It may seem like a contradiction, but being Mom's entire world is also what I loved about her. She believed in me no matter what. I was "a better singer than Barbara Streisand" in her eyes. Now trust me, I KNOW that's not true. But Mom REALLY believed it. She thought I was amazing in everything I did, even when I wasn't.

Looking back, I realized I never gave her enough credit for the role she played in keeping family together. All those demands for our time, however unrealistic sometimes, kept us close. My family is forever changed now that she is gone and I miss it.

Mom = Home and heart. Mom's perogies. Mom's stuffing on Christmas Day. Mom's cinnamon buns. These are all things I miss so much. When she got sick, I frantically tried to learn from her how to make these things. It kills me that I never got her pie crust down. I'm now left to wonder why didn't I ever take that time before to learn? Every time I make one of those things, it's like keeping her close.

Mom had a way of giving her all at Christmas and Easter. The way she would take the Christmas Eve candles from church and make us all light them before dinner on Christmas Day and say a prayer....or make us hold hands while we prayed. We'd all roll our eyes at how corny it was. Man, I miss that. (Moravian Christmas Eve candle light service is special - wax is made from bees wax, the purest wax to signify Christ's purity. The wax catcher was made of red tissue paper to signify His blood and was attached to the candle with a little nail. You got to take them home every year.)

Mom would give you her last (insert whatever item, food or thing) if it meant making you smile.

She would come with my Dad to watch UFC fight night just so she could spend some time with us and she never complained that she hated it. She was just happy she was with us. She dressed up in every party theme we ever had.



Now, I find myself wishing I could talk to mom about "this" or "that" and realize I would have never have done that when she was here.

It makes me a little sad.

Home is safety. Home is Mom.

No one hugs like my mom. I would give anything for one more hug.

Like in everything, music touches my heart like nothing else can.

This week, Danny Gokey's "I Will Not Say Goodbye" has really touched a nerve. It's about his wife but the feelings are spot on.

I miss you Mom. Happy Mother's Day.