First Step's The Toughest

Yeah, I'm one of the thousands who, after eating a copious amount of turkey, have made a commitment to get back on track in 2012. So, it was back on the treadmill today.

I try not to make resolutions. I make lists of goals, and at the end of the year, I see how many I was able to accomplish. One of my goals is to make physical fitness part of my lifestyle.

Today's photo is the first step. Pun included.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it...

It's the last day of vacation. I can't believe how quickly the holidays flew by. We maybe saw 4 movies in the theatre all year; two of them were during the break including the new Mission Impossible today.

We had friends say it Mission Impossible was better than the new Sherlock Holmes. I tend to agree...

Welcome 2012!

We rang in the new year at Mike and Wendy's house. Along with Dale and Tammy, we rang in the new year with awesome food, great drinks and even better board games. I didn't win but we played my favorites "Ascension" and "7 Wonders." I don't think I've ever won the latter.

Today's photo is the first of 2012, so I felt I had to use it. It was taken shortly after midnight. I was trying to FaceTime with my sister and Dale wanted a photo. The iPad camera sucks but the photo had to be done! Gold crowns are courtesy of Christmas crackers provided by Mike and Wendy.

A wee bit of encouragement

Today was a pretty good day. I'm not quite sure why it was so positive. I have lots of little details to take care of for an upcoming trade show, which sometime makes the day drag a bit. Not today though.

Had a really great conversation with a coworker today about goal setting and struggles with weight. I was encouraging to talk with someone who has been there and successful at achieving progress. It was also a reminder that this is probably a life ling journey. It guess I have to come to terms with that.

Right after that conversation, I went to my voice lesson and was also reminded that while I may be struggling in one area, I've made strides in others. Work is heading in a really positive direction and I have lots of potential for growth. I have a wonderful marriage and a home that I feel blessed to be in every single day. It was another source of encouragement.

And that wasn't even the lesson! It's funny how the Lord can send you these little sources of light if you are just open to receive them.

My lesson itself was really good too. I've been struggling with recovery from bronchitis for four weeks or so. It was the first time I felt I could sing without my voice feeling all gummy and coated. It was a lot of fun and I'm back to being excited about the concert again. I really think the set is going to be challenging and fun and really representative of what I love to sing. I can't wait!

It's been a really good day. Found out my 40th year is shared by Nathon Fillion today. He tweeted that be prefers to think of it as Nathon 4.0. I like that. Maybe becoming Paula 4.0 might not be too bad. :)


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Starting Over

It has been a long time since I added to my blog. This is a big year for me and the idea of writing again has a great appeal.

So what is so special about 2011?

Well, it the year I turn 40.

It's funny. I know that I'm not special with this milestone and really, am I any different at 40 than I was at 39?

Not really. It is a little difficult. I can't help but think of my sister who only had 9 years left after reaching this milestone. A small part of me wonders if I'll surpass that. I guess that is only natural.

I think about how much family means to me yet how hard it is to continue those bonds as we grow older, our lives shift and change, families take on their own lives...how natural it is to drift apart. All the while realizing how much I still need family.

And I have to wonder if, when I'm older, what family will be there. Especially now that it's clear that I am not to be a parent. It makes you wonder what life will be like when you are 80. What will be my legacy?

Does everyone think of these things as they hit milestones? Is this what makes us all equal and what should make us feel more connected to each other? These questions about life?

I'm finding that as look at the journey my life has taken so far, I'm amazed at how much things stay the same. All those insecurities that I carried with me in my teenage years are very much still my companion. I think by 40, they should have been left behind.

I really wish they were.

But then, my 20's or 30's didn't turn out the way I expected. Why do I think any preconceived notions I have about 40 be any different? And my 30's were better than any expectations. 40 could be the same.

I look and know I am very blessed.

There is a lot to look forward to this year. New hobbies such as photography to fall in love with, new songs to sing.

And I guess that's what life journey is all about.

First Snowfall 2010

Another weekend is over and we woke up to a dusting of snow. It leaves me wondering where the year has gone. It's hard to believe that in two short months, 2010 will be a memory.

Maybe it's the changing seasons or the darkness that happens earlier and earlier, but I find myself just a little bit sad. Thoughts about all things I attempted and came short, the relationships that maybe didn't get the time they should or wondering just how much further I should be in my life and career make me wonder if I've waste this year.

I know I'm being too hard on myself. I worked two jobs in the time allotted for one. I had the most amazing concert to date. I saw Italy and fell in love with the art and culture. I started school. I took some photographs I love.

So why this sense that I could do and be more?

Maybe it's because 2011 will bring upon my 40th birthday. From my 20's until I left my first professional company, I grew leaps and bounds professionally and personally. In some ways, I feel like I'm stagnating, fighting the same old things.

Or is it that life is back to "normal" right now and I get bored when things are too routine?

So that begs the question...

How much of life should be ordinary and how much should be exciting and thrilling? And what is the right level of each? Am I just addicted to the next big thing?


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Nature of Grief

In the last few weeks, people around me have been hit by loss – friends, family and the loss of someone else that had an impact on my life. It has provided some opportunity to share my experience with grief and losing someone you hold dear.

It struck me that while I would give anything to have my mom and my sister back, if I didn’t have the experience of losing them I wouldn’t truly understand the heartache or the pain. I guess that is a small blessing in a situation that I would give anything to change.

Not that everyone grieves the same way but I do think it is one of those life experiences that make us equal as human beings. We all love and we all experience loss at some point in life.

I also think that loss can take on many forms – death, change, loss of friendship, distance, loss of job, loss of relationship. I’ve lost people I love to death and I’ve mourned the passing of what I had once believed a lifelong relationships or friendships. In all cases, I grieved deeply and sometimes overwhelmingly but I looking back, the process can be the same.

When it comes to the passing of someone close, I think there is a sadness that I will always carry with me for the rest of my life. I didn’t have it before and it has never fully gone away. However, it is different than it once was.

In the beginning, it was like having debilitating waves of grief wash over me. If you ever have been in the ocean and felt how strong it could push you and pull you, it was that constant tossing in turbulent waters.

Eventually, the waters calmed and the frequency and strength of those waves lessened. But they never really completely go away. Every so often, there are moments when the waves still come and I still miss that person and I still grieve. Recently, it was in a lyric of a song I sang, in a moment of joy that I wish they were here to share it with me or just wishing I could hear “I love you” or “I believe in you” one more time.

And I think that it will always be with me. In my heart there are two empty spaces that no one can fill.

But the nice thing about the heart, it makes room for other people and other relationships and it in turn, it grows. Joy truly does come in the morning. It may take some time for the morning to come but it does. Relationships with friends and family have fostered and grown in ways that may not have happened in the past. New life has entered our family in the form a wonderful new great-nephew and he has already taken a piece of my heart.

These are little gifts that don’t replace the ones we’ve lost but to help us to grow and see joy in life again. I think it is God’s way of showing us how big our hearts are and that while there is pain, there is still a lot of joy in what He has given us; we just have to look for it. That joy is worth the price of pain that can come.

And I have come to believe that those of us who have experience loss are supposed to help others move through the process and be lights of hope that there will be joy on the other side.


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